Capture the Snuffbox
by Ravenclaw-Earl of Rohan
Summary: Rose is bored, so Robert find a fun way for the residents of Downton to spend the afternoon. But Thomas and O'Brien have a way of taking everything too far. Affectionate parody piece with some spoilers for Series 3.


Capture the Snuffbox

The residents and guests of Downton Abbey find an extremely diverting way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Author's Note: I've been wanting to do a comedy for some time and I realized that I have not written a proper Downton Abbey fic before now. I realize that my continuity is not perfect in this story, but I cared more about making something fun than making something accurate this time around. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

* * *

"Cousin Robert!" Lady Rose MacClare shouted from the upper railing.

Robert Crawley, Earl of Grantham, rubbed his ears. He was still not used to all the noise that Shrimpie's daughter had brought to his house. The first time Rose had shouted like that, he felt certain that Carson would have a stroke.

"Cousin Robert!" Rose repeated, as though Robert had not heard her.

"Yes, Rose?" Robert replied, trying to keep smiling.

"What are we doing today?"

He knew the question was coming. Rose, after settling in, had begun to find country life extremely boring. The pall that Matthew Crawley's death had cast over the house hadn't helped the family's energy level. The nineteen year-old had found many excruciatingly annoying ways to deal with her frustration, such as leaving doors open, breaking sherry glasses, and shouting.

"My mother and Cousin Isobel are coming for dinner tonight, but otherwise, the day is free."

"I'm bored!" Rose whined, sliding melodramatically to the floor. Edith, who had just come around the corner, witnessed this.

"Really, Rose! That's far from ladylike!"

Rose stood up and glared daggers at Edith. "Says you! How is your editor doing these days? The one who married the lunatic and wants to repeat the process?"

Edith grimaced at Rose and rolled her eyes at her father before stomping off.

Robert sighed, realizing that if he didn't want Rose to start World War…Two in Downton Abbey, he would have to find something for her to do.

* * *

The servants' luncheon proceeded as it would any other day at Downton. Mrs. Hughes attempted to mutter something important to Mr. Carson who preferred to glare around the table at the staff than listen to her. Thomas and O'Brien said nothing but exchanged sinisterly significant glances whenever someone brought up something that they could maliciously convert into a subplot later on. Anna and Bates issued words of encouragement to the younger members of the staff at every opportunity. Alfred kept one eye on Ivy at all times as she circled the table while Ivy, in turn, kept her sights on Jimmy (who avoided maintaining eye contact with Thomas whenever possible). Molesley was stuck in limbo after his master's death but still resided at Downton Abbey and helped with odd jobs and provided comic relief with his social ineptitude. And Mrs. Patmore leaned in the doorway spouting witticisms whenever the dialogue allowed.

This routine was interrupted when Robert Crawley came marching into the Servants' Hall. Everyone at the table stood bolt upright and stopped talking. Ivy stopped circling the table and Mrs. Patmore stood at attention in the corner.

"Good day," Robert declared.

"Good day, your Lordship," Carson responded, speaking for the staff.

"You may sit down."

The staff obeyed, all looking eagerly at Lord Grantham.

"I need your help," he told them.

"I assure you, your Lordship," began Mrs. Hughes, "we're very helpful."

"That is why you all keep your jobs," Robert chuckled. "Here is my difficulty: Lady Rose is less than entertained. In order to avoid Lady Grantham and Lady Edith kicking her out, I need to find something fun for Lady Rose to do, to show her how fun this house can be."

O'Brien smirked at Thomas. This did not go unnoticed by Robert.

"I came to ask for your thoughts, and since Miss O'Brien finds this so amusing, perhaps she has an idea."

O'Brien's pale cheeks turned slightly red and her lips barely suppressed a scowl. Not wishing to be brought down so quickly, O'Brien said, "I have a game for Lady Rose. It's called let's switch places with Sarah O'Brien for a day."

Thomas laughed, as did Alfred and Jimmy. Even Anna felt the corners of her mouth twitching upwards.

"Such impertinence in front of his Lordship!" Mrs. Hughes snapped, beating Carson to the punch.

Robert imagined Rose switching places with O'Brien for a day: O'Brien making her nasty comments to the family at dinner and Rose dressing Cora in the most ridiculous styles of the 20's so as to show everyone the bold, new fashions of the time period.

"As diverting as that might be, O'Brien, I don't think Lady Rose would enjoy that very much."

"I have an idea, your Lordship!" cried Daisy, running into the room and nearly knocking over Mrs. Patmore.

Mrs. Patmore scoffed. "Oh, yes. His Lordship wants to listen to you. You'll be the end of all of us!"

Mrs. Hughes rolled her eyes and looked at Mr. Carson, who gave no response, verbal or nonverbal.

"I think I have just the thing, your Lordship," Anna exclaimed, breaking into a smile.

"Please," Robert encouraged, gesturing for Anna to elaborate.

"We could use one of your snuffboxes and see who can capture it and keep it for the longest."

Robert laughed, thinking of the misadventures that could ensue. He knew that if anyone downstairs would have a good answer, it would be Anna.

"Capital idea, Anna! You've done it again!"

"Cool!" Jimmy said, standing up. "When do we get started?"

Carson turned in his direction. "What makes you think you'll be involved? There's silver to be polished!"

The younger servants, especially Jimmy and Alfred, looked extremely crestfallen. With Mary still depressed and depressing everyone around her, Robert couldn't have any more unhappiness in the house.

"He will be involved," Robert told Carson, making his trusted butler go pale. "You all will. The silver can be polished another time."

Carson's knuckles were white around the arm of his chair. Mrs. Hughes giggled inwardly at how adorable she found him when he was flustered.

"All of you, come upstairs! Bates! Barrow! Mrs. Patmore! All of you! This will be the most fun Downton has seen in years."

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, all of Downton's residents stood in the entrance hall while Robert paced the center.

Mary, who was still in mourning, addressed her mother. "Do you think he's gone mad?"

"Maybe a little bit, dear," Cora smiled. "That would be an excellent storyline for him this series. A little mid-life crisis never hurt anyone."

"Your attention, please!" Robert called over the din of side conversations. "We are starting a new tradition here at Downton in honour of our dear cousin, Lady Rose. Rose, you wished for fun, your wish is coming true. We will be playing a game that Anna and I have developed: Capture the Snuffbox!"

"Really, Papa!" Mary fussed. "Can you just leave me in peace?"

Rose huffed. "Really, Cousin Mary, have you seen the trailer for Series Four?"

Mary blinked in surprise. "Not yet, no."

"You have to choose between life and death!"

"This isn't a life or death choice," Mary drawled, annoyed with her younger cousin. "I don't want to play. I need to watch the baby."

"It's alright, Mary," Branson said. "Sybbie and George are alright. A new nanny just flew in the window to take care of them. The funny thing is, you two have the same first name-"

"I don't want to play!" Mary insisted.

"Very well, then. You can watch," Robert agreed.

Lady Mary seemed sated and sat down in a nearby armchair.

"The object of the game is to obtain this snuffbox and keep the opposing team from capturing it." Robert held up a small, blue, porcelain box, the very same snuffbox from Series One, Episode Five.

Thomas glared at Bates, who gave a small, smug smile, remembering the incident in which Thomas had tried to frame him for stealing that very snuffbox.

"Now I shall choose team captains. Rose, as this game is in your honour, you are the captain of team one. And as for team two, I choose Thomas, as putting Thomas in charge of anything makes for an interesting time. You may now choose your teams."

Lady Rose and Thomas Barrow moved to the center of the room and shook hands (not Thomas's injured one). They both surveyed the room, inwardly making selections before voicing them.

Rose broke the silence. "Cousin Robert." Lord Grantham moved to stand with her.

"Miss O'Brien," Thomas said, smiling evilly. His partner-in-mischief stood at his side.

"Anna," Rose called to her cousin's maid. Anna smiled and joined her.

Miss O'Brien whispered in Thomas's ear, and he said, "Alfred."

This proceeded for some time. When the selection was complete, Mr. Carson wrote the team rosters on two large sheets of paper and laid them down for all to see:

**TEAM ONE:**

**Lady Rose, Captain**

**Lord Grantham**

**Anna**

**Mr. Bates**

**Mr. Carson**

**Mrs. Hughes**

**Mr. Branson**

**Lady Grantham**

**Lady Edith**

**TEAM TWO:**

**Mr. Barrow, Captain**

**Miss O'Brien**

**Alfred**

**Jimmy**

**Daisy**

**Mrs. Patmore**

**Ivy**

**Mr. Molesley**

After a count, it appeared that Rose's team had one more member than Thomas's.

"Time to bring in the big guns," O'Brien muttered to the huddled team. As she said it, a great rush of wind was heard outside Downton Abbey. Everyone ran to the door to see a biplane parked on the lawn.

Out of the airplane emerged an all-too-familiar family member.

"I heard that there was actually going to be fun here and I flew right in," Martha Levinson announced.

"Mother!" Cora exclaimed, rushing to kiss Martha on the cheek.

"Hello, Cora. Robert. Girls. Servants."

Everyone acknowledged Mrs. Levinson. Robert explained the concept of Capture the Snuffbox to his mother-in-law.

Martha raised her eyebrows at Robert. "You just figured this out? We've been playing this game in America for years. Why, I was just at one of Mr. Gatsby's parties the other night and-"

"Thank you, Mother," Cora cut her off, her mother's wanton snarkiness making her uncomfortable.

"So you're short a team member?" Martha inquired, marching up to Thomas.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Show me your battle plans, and I'll see what I can do to improve them. You have to take some tips from a modern American girl."

* * *

Team One and Team Two went their separate ways to claim their headquarters. Robert, meanwhile, placed the snuffbox in the center of the entrance hall. Rose chose the Dining Room, much to Carson's chagrin. Thomas decided that Mrs. Patmore's kitchen would be an adequate base.

"After all," Miss O'Brien had said. "If they're going to wait around in the dining room, we should have the kitchen. We'll serve them a dish or two if I have anything to say about it."

Martha, who sat on the counter in an obnoxiously American manner, said, "Your jokes are about as fresh as Prince William."

"Shirley," Mrs. Patmore whispered. "Prince William hasn't been born yet."

"Yes he has! William Smith! Fresh Prince of Bel Air!"

The servants looked at each other confusedly.

"Sorry, that was a bit anachronistic," Martha laughed.

"Enough! Let's get down to business!" Thomas shouted. "Jimmy and Alfred! Run up to the hall and grab the snuffbox!"

The footmen complied with the former sergeant's orders.

Martha coughed loudly. "That flight dried me out. Girl!" she commanded, pointing to Ivy. "Boil me some water! I want a drink."

* * *

"Alright, guys," Rose said, her team gathering around her. "We have to get that box. Tom, you and Anna should go. You two are the craftiest!"

"Craftiness will be useful here," Mrs. Hughes said.

"What do you mean, Mrs. Hughes?"

Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson glanced at each other.

It was the butler who answered. "She means that Thomas and Miss O'Brien will play every dirty trick in the book to win."

Cora cut in, "I'm not convinced that it's healthy to have them together with my mother. She's feeling devilish today. I can always tell."

"Must be an American problem," Robert said to Bates who nodded grimly.

* * *

The snuffbox sat in the entrance hall with Mary, who was annoyed with all of the hubbub.

Suddenly, Jimmy and Alfred burst into the hall, seeing the snuffbox. Tom and Anna ran in the other side.

All four servants made a beeline for the snuffbox, but Mary reached out and snatched it.

"Mary! We're trying to play a game!" Branson whined.

"So am I," Mary drawled. "It's called, 'Who Will Mary Give the Snuffbox To?'"

All four less-important characters rolled their eyes.

Anna broke the awkward silence. "I don't know why you're drawing this out, milady. You like me the best out of anyone here."

"Anna's right. Here you go," she said, handing the box to her maid.

Branson and Anna high-five and ran for the other side. They reached the Dining Room, and everyone, even Carson, let up a cheer.

"Now we have to keep it here for fifteen minutes," Robert announced. They placed the snuffbox in the center of the table.

* * *

"You idiots!" Thomas shouted at Jimmy and Alfred. The two footmen cowered before the under-butler's wrath.

"Thomas, stop!" Miss O'Brien snapped. She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the corner of the room. "This is the moment we've been waiting for. We have the two greatest weapons in this house in the room."

"What weapons?" Thomas growled.

"We're going to get that snuffbox using her and him."

Thomas and O'Brien smiled evilly. They looked from Mrs. Levinson, sloppily enjoying her boiled water, to Molesley, knocking over the chair next to him as he sat down…

* * *

Team One sat around the table, enjoying their apparent victory.

"I knew Mary would play somehow," Rose told Robert, who nodded happily. He had already noted a marked change in everyone's behavior. It was as though a dark specter had been expelled from the house, leaving a spirit of mischief and merriment.

The door to the room flew open and Martha Levinson stomped in. "I've brought Mr. Carson a present," she announced, cackling.

Team One stood in unison, closing their ranks around the snuffbox.

Martha stepped aside, revealing Daisy, Ivy, and Mrs. Patmore, who walked in and began serving delicious desserts to their opponents.

"MAIDS SERVING IN THE DINING ROOM!" Mr. Carson shouted, turning purple. He convulsed for a moment before passing out on the floor.

"Mr. Carson!" Mrs. Hughes cried, her intense passion for the butler showing itself to all around. Bates, Anna, and Mrs. Hughes hurried to check his vital signs.

"Phase Two!" Martha shouted. She stepped aside again, revealing Sir Anthony Strallan.

"Sir Anthony!" Edith shouted, fainting at the sight of her ex-fiancee.

"Oh, dear!" Sir Anthony exclaimed.

"Get out, Methuselah!" Martha ordered him.

Sir Anthony, still looking confused, exited the Abbey.

Robert and Cora were checking on Edith, which left Branson and Rose to guard the snuffbox.

Martha stepped aside a third time, allowing Alfred and Jimmy to run past and pin Branson to the wall by his arms.

Rose was alone against Martha Levinson and her forces of darkness.

She grabbed the snuffbox and stepped towards the wall. However, someone had placed a bar of soap on the floor which caused Rose to fall flat on her face, still clutching the snuffbox.

Shrimpie's daughter was suddenly aware of a presence to her left. A black, floor-length skirt was moving quickly towards her.

"I'll be taking that, Lady Rose," Sarah O'Brien sneered. She leaned down and pried the snuffbox from Rose's hand.

Thomas came striding into the room, gleefully surveying the chaos that his team had created.

"Well done, Miss O'Brien, Mrs. Levinson. Now, Mrs. Levinson, I need you to stay here. Miss O'Brien and I are going to commence the next part of our plan."

"Very well, Captain," Martha grinned.

* * *

Alfred Molesley had been ordered to sit in the Servant's Hall while the rest of the team launched its attack on Team One. _Left out as usual_, he thought.

Thomas and Miss O'Brien walked into the room.

"Now, Mr. Molesley," Thomas began. "It's time for you to do your job."

"My job, sir?" Molesley spluttered.  
"Oh, yes," O'Brien smiled with false kindness. "Only someone with your talents could handle this. Follow us."

Molesley did as he was told, and before long he was standing in front of Downton Abbey with the evil dynamic duo.

"Here's how we win," O'Brien told him. "You take the snuffbox up in Mrs. Levinson's plane for fifteen minutes. No one can get you in the air."

"I'm sure you know how to fly a plane," Thomas pressed him.

"Oh, yes," Molesley lied, not willing to look like a fool. "I've flown many a plane."

He put the snuffbox in his pocket and boarded Martha's plane.

"Happy flying, Mr. Molesley," Thomas called, as Molesley turned the key.

The propellers started and the plane flew into the air above Downton. Molesley was unable to control the air vessel, and was soon careening away from the great house and towards Downton Village.

* * *

Isobel Crawley was sitting in Dr. Clarkson's office going over the most recent figures of the Downton Cottage Hospital. She was slowly but surely recovering from the sudden loss of her son, mainly thanks to Dr. Clarkson's attentions. She knew that he had feelings for her, but at this point in her life, she was glad that she still had anyone to talk to.

Suddenly, a loud engine was heard zooming past, rattling the office windows.

"What was that!" Clarkson exclaimed.

"I don't know, but we should go and see! Maybe I can find some way to self-righteously interfere and fix the problem."

Clarkson chuckled, and the pair hustled out to the street, where they were met with utter pandemonium.

"It flew right through the streets!"

"I'm sure it's an attack!"

"No good could ever come of those things, I told my husband the other day!"

The citizens of Downton Village were babbling and rushing around.

Clarkson noticed Reverend Travis wringing his hands by the cemetery gate.

"Reverend Travis!" he called, jogging over to him with Isobel in hot pursuit.

"Dr. Clarkson!" Travis replied. "Praise God, I'm glad you're here! An airplane flew through the street a few minutes ago and it's going all over the place."

"Out of my way!" came an old, cracking voice. Mr. William Molesley came hobbling over to Clarkson, Travis and Isobel.

"It's my boy, I tell you! Alfred was flying the plane!"

"Molesley?!" Isobel asked incredulously. "Molesley can't fly an airplane!"

The engine was heard again, and the people ducked. Clarkson and Old Molesley shrunk back to the tombstones and Travis began reciting the twenty-third Psalm. Only Isobel Crawley stood her ground to confirm their fears.

"MRS. CRAWLEY! DAD! HELP ME!" Molesley wailed as the plane flew by.

A horse-drawn cart came rushing down the street after the airplane. If the airplane was not peculiar enough, the two people astride the carriage were an even odder sight. An old man with a thick, grey moustache was at the reins, and next to him sat a withered, glowering old woman with a cane and an elaborately large hat.

The townspeople gave cries of "Farmer Mason!" and "Lady Grantham!"

Mr. Mason tied his horse to a hitching post and offered Violet Crawley his hand. She daintily took it and got down.

"Well?" the Dowager Countess snapped, expecting an explanation.

"I don't know why this is happening, Cousin Violet," Isobel yelled, trying to be heard over the crowd.

"And what about you two?" Violet turned to Clarkson and Rev. Travis. "You both hate to be wrong, so give me a right answer! What is happening!"

Dr. Clarkson was still in shock, and Travis faltered under the Dowager's harsh gaze.

Old Molesley stepped forward. "It's my son, Lady Grantham. He got himself into that airplane and can't get out of it."

As he said it, the airplane flew over them. Violet looked quickly enough to see the American flag painted on the side.

"Do you see the American flag? I knew who is behind this!"

"Betsy Ross?" Isobel inquired.

"Worse," Violet muttered. Then, taking Mr. Mason's arm and hopping on the cart, she raised her cane to signal the villagers to be silent. "Today will involve a fight with an American, ladies and gentlemen. If you want to get to the bottom of your daily routine being interrupted, I suggest you follow me."

The villagers cheered. "Good, old Lady G!" was a popular refrain. Violet gestured for Isobel, Clarkson, Travis and Old Molesley to hop onto the cart.

"Where are we going?" Travis asked.

"To Downton Abbey."

* * *

In the dining room, Edith and Carson had been successfully resuscitated. The members of Team One sat quietly around the table, as if held captive by the members of Team Two that Thomas had left under Martha's command.

"Now that you're here with me," Martha began, "We're all going to sing. Does everyone know 'My Country Tis of Thee?'"

"Do you mean 'God Save Our Noble Queen?'" Robert asked, annoyed.

"Same tune, different lyrics," Martha explained. "Start singing."

Silence.

"I said, start singing."

Carson stood up. "I will have you know, ma'am, that torture is prohibited in the Capture the Snuffbox Code of Conduct."

"Who says she cares?" came a voice from the doorway. Thomas and O'Brien had returned.

"There you are!" Martha exclaimed. "I was getting bored with this crowd. Where's the stupid one?"

"Molesley?" Thomas asked. "He's winning the game for us right now. He has the snuffbox where no one can get him."

"In the air," Miss O'Brien added.

"You let him take my plane?!" Martha shouted.

Thomas smiled evilly at the award-winning American actress.

"Yes, we did." Rose burst out laughing.

Lady Mary came running into the room. "Everyone! You'd better get outside! We have a major problem."

The Crawleys and their servants processed to the front door of Downton. When they came outside, it appeared that every resident of Downton Village had come to the house. They were shouting angrily. Robert heard something about a plane, the word "flag" and, worst of all, "Molesley."

The crowd parted and a small group of people came forward: Isobel Crawley, Dr. Clarkson, Reverend Travis, Mr. Mason, Old William Molesley, and none other than the Dowager Countess.

Violet pushed forward, flanked by her cohorts.

"Martha! I knew it must be you! As sure as all roads lead to Rome, all trouble leads to you!"

"I didn't give him the plane, Violet! The plane is mine, but they did it!" She pointed accusingly at Thomas and O'Brien, who did their best to look fearless in the face of the crowd.

A collective gasp went up as the plane went into a nosedive. A fiery explosion went up in the middle of the main lawn at Downton. From the smoke and wreckage, Molesley walked out, surprisingly unharmed and still holding the snuffbox.

"I think I might be a little rusty on my flying," he announced.

Some villagers shook their heads and others laughed. Molesley's father grabbed him by the arm and began to scold him furiously. Clarkson and Travis decided that as long as no one needed medicine or prayer, they were okay to leave. Therefore, Mr. Mason loaded them into the front seat next to him and led the multitude away.

After a few minutes of silence, the Crawleys and their servants were alone again. Everyone turned and glared at Thomas and O'Brien.

"She did it!" Thomas shouted, turning on his old friend yet again.

"You helped me!" she snarled, giving Thomas the best death-glare she could muster.

"But it was all your idea!"

Cora stepped forward. "O'Brien, how could you do this? It was only a game and you took it too far. You are dismissed!"

O'Brien stood in stunned silence before regaining her icy composure. "Fine! I have other shows to appear on! Get yourself a new maid for Series Four! See if I care!"

* * *

Sarah O'Brien packed her bags and left, never to be heard from again. Thomas knew that his position was safer without her malevolence, but he would miss his old cohort at times. Alfred would also miss his aunt.

The staff cleaned up the mess made by the game and went back to their duties. Mary returned to her son and Branson to his daughter and Edith to her writing desk. Robert and Cora sat in the Drawing Room with Martha, Violet and Isobel.

"Well, Robert, now you see what mixing ranks does to your household," Violet clucked. Isobel and Martha met each other's annoyed faces at the statement.

"My mixing ranks, Mama? You brought a barbarian horde from the village to carry off Martha!"

"What would you have done with me anyway, Violet?" Martha asked.

"Don't you know? Reverend Travis is a rather gifted exorcist. He would have sorted you out."

Instead of being offended, Martha chuckled heartily.

The conversation was interrupted when Rose came in.

"Well, Rose, our little game didn't quite go as planned," Robert sighed.

"Are you kidding?" Rose laughed. "This was the best day ever! I'm sorry for being such a brat earlier! This place is great!"

The four women seated in the room all smiled at the sentiment. Rose sauntered up to Robert and embraced him. "Thank you, Cousin Robert."

She smiled and left the room.

"You're very good with teenagers, Robert," Martha smiled at her son-in-law.

"I agree," Isobel chimed in.

"Oh, yes," Violet fussed. "All you have to do is nearly destroy the village to keep her entertained."

"We musn't be too hard on Molesley, though," Robert said. "After all, his flying skills are rusty."

"He's rusty if you ask me," Cora said.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, send him with me," Violet snapped. "I need a new butler anyway. And with Matthew…gone, he needs a new position."

Everyone smiled at Violet.

"That's quite a sacrifice, Mama," Robert stated.

"And bravely born," Cora added.

"All is well, my dears," Violet said. "All is well."

THE END

* * *

Not a beautiful work of literature, I know, but it was fun to write. Please review!


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